Tuesday, January 23, 2018

It's time to let go

Now that I’m hiding somewhere for my escape, I feel that I know what I want with a clearer mind. It is as if I know how to execute my plans without the slightest hesitation. Everything seems to fall into place now. My heart doesn’t yearn for much with the knowledge that my departure will be a matter of time.

Since nobody understands the rationale behind my decisions, I figured that it’s better to prepare for that day in advance. I’m drawing back, so as to let everyone around me get used to my absence. It forces me to be independent since the decision to study in Adelaide changed me in ways that I didn’t expect. I no longer look at people’s positive side. Rather, I assume that they are bad. I’ll let their actions disprove my presumption with supporting evidence. If my suspicions are proven accurate, at least the pain won’t be tough to swallow. You could say that it’s similar to the reverse onus of proof theory.

The whole idea about high distinctions and competitiveness has left me undone. I’m not the type who pays much attention to HDs because I know that it’s not achievable for me. I can’t subject myself to that kind of pressure as the greater the hope, the deeper the disappointment. But it leaves me in a sensitive manner. Whenever there is a talk about GPA, I will fade out and ignore the conversation. I was never competitive and I highly doubt that I’ll change.

We’ll see what happens in the next ten months or so, sigh.

Thursday, January 4, 2018

The Temperamental Highlights of 2017

January

After months of back and forth communication that spanned from our Administrative Law and Criminal Law days, we caught up briefly for a quick chat about the Family Law enrolment. Now that I think back, we were a tad bit anxious about this because our academic timetables couldn’t be finalised until this was dealt with. I was more than prepared to commit mental murder at the first degree with History as an alternative choice, but, lo and behold, I remained with Family Law. It was quite alright - I waddled through it at my own pace.

February

As we all know, mid February marks the start of the annual Adelaide Fringe. It also brought with it the hottest temperature I’ve experienced. For someone who’s accustomed to geat with humidity, it was torturous. Chinese New Year was not spent with a feast, but a tennis match between Federer and Nadal at the Australian Open. We also had the Orientation Week campus tour, which was different from what we atte

March

The first week marked the start of my penultimate year - and the anxiety that castes a shadow in my Criminal Law days returned to taint the rosy semester. I’ll be candour; I knew what I landed myself into when the academic timetable was released for both semesters. The idiot perfectionist wanted a challenge again… and I don’t thrive under stress, lol.

Seeing that it was a long while since the good friends caught up as a group, we agreed on a mutual timing for waffles. The unexpected variable was the weather. It showered on us and soured my mood. Rain/showers have a calming yet sad effect on me. The lack of radiance in my eyes would’ve been indicative of the change in emotions hence everyone’s hesitance on leaving. On the overall, it was a blessing to see those two angelic and cute faces.

April

I’ve noticed a trend, in which April is one of the haziest month each year. I can’t remember much that transpired yet there’s definitely more that occurred. Our mid semester break fell in the midst of the Easter Triduum, which was a blessing. At least there’s no requirement to attend replacement classes. There wasn’t any time to rest because of the interim assessments as well. As I would later find out, one of it landed me squarely in the path of winter germs.

May

The practice moot was bearable and my body language reflected it. The moment the list of mooters was released, I was relieved that I wasn’t going against anyone I knew. There were five of us and anything could’ve happened. My heart, however, raced a tad bit when I recognised the name. An experienced mooter. Seeing that it was an ungraded one, I refused to give much thought about it. I took the opportunity to have a crack at things and see how it flowed from there.



The first graded one left me hugging my knees close to my chest in exhaustion and biting back tears. I knew I messed up but focused on maintaining my composure. My breath caught in my throat when the opposition team consisted of someone whom I’m familiar by face. There was a faint glimmer of recognition when he saw me standing at the hallway in a formal attire and having a conversation with another student. It wasn’t until I asked him the million dollar question that he was sure that it was me. I don’t blame him; we worked on a tutorial question for another course before the advocacy, lol.

The second graded one was … weird in more ways than one. The nerves and fear of failure clouded my clarity until I didn’t realise I spoke the wrong thing in the morning tutorial. It felt like someone shone a torchlight at me when his head shot up from his laptop in my direction. I still cringe whenever I think of it although I’ll chalk it up to me being under the weather. For the oddest reason, the opposition team was the same one we had for the practice, which left the four of us groaning with a smile. I panicked on the behalf of the person against me because his voice betrayed his thoughts.

As if luck would have it, in the morning tutorial the following week, the tutor decided to throw shade at us as we approached the whiteboard to be the speaker and scribe respectively. It was then that I suspected she might’ve seen me approaching him after the previous week’s class. We exchanged an awkward smile before we got to work.

June



Family Law marked the end of the semester for me, which threw me into exam preparation and assignment mode. I guess the tutor realised that we'd be feeling the weight of the world on our shoulders for the exam and decided to organise a tour for us - hence the attached Instagram picture and its accompanying caption. It was an eye-opener to have watched the family law proceedings as a member of the public, but whether I'll be able to transfer what I witnessed into the essay component of the exam remained unknown.

The beauty about an assignment-based course is the amount of time to complete the final research essays. It also means that I’ve to be in research mode and milk the brain dry for suitable words. Anything but the pressure cooker of an exam, thank you.



The first thought that entered my brain when we arranged for the burger date was ‘oh, boy’. The good friends needed to sit for their papers earlier than mine - and I was absolutely not in the business of throwing their revisions off. In essence, we left the restaurant with an upbeat mood and something to take our minds off the exams. For them, it’s the ‘love letters’ - to quote my sister. Don’t get us wrong; I love these two intelligent and comical brats for the smile and laughter they bring, but only as a comrade and a sibling. In essence, I’m relieved that the handwritten letters lifted their frowns into grins.

July

I was definitely skewered for this round of exams. For the weirdest reason, my one and only exam was scheduled on the last day of the exam period. And as you may have guessed it, waiting for two weeks came with its positive and negative benefits. It was a blessing because there is more time to revise. It was a curse because I couldn’t properly plan my winter break. I watched with agony as the rest of my friends celebrated the end of their exams. It didn’t help my cause that my neighbors were night owls on the eve of my morning exam.

I fled for a winter getaway hours before the results were released. I didn't do great, but I did alright. I passed all of the papers, which is much more important than the GPA itself - although it’d have been nice to see a higher percentage, sigh. The beauty was that I returned in the second week of the semester - with little time to sleep off the exhaustion. I craved the extra time away to flush my mind of the stress acquired in the previous semester with four equally difficult courses. Why my heart desired a challenging period, only it knew - as there were profanities and cries behind closed doors.

Yes, you read that right. I cursed. And screamed until my throat ached.

It was a risk that I gambled with because I sacrificed a week’s worth of learning for the subjects. Luck was on my side because attendance was not taken and with a tad bit more effort, I caught up with the course contents.

August

I struggled throughout the entire month to cope with the massive stress from cramming two heavy courses and grocery shopping into one day. Although it was a relief to place the faces to the names that I saw on the attendance list for all of the courses, I was left groaning when history repeated itself.

Let’s just say that, in hindsight, I regretted taking Corporate Law on the same day as ADR. I mean, the stress may have been a killer, but it was the continous exposure in the crammed room that left me perspiring in anxiousness. I felt like I was being boxed in and couldn’t breathe. My hand shook once and I couldn’t focus on the whiteboard in front of me! You see, in most of my tutorials, I’ve always gone for the seats - usually the corner ones - that allow me to breathe. I’m not claustrophobic, but I am easily anxious when I am boxed into a small space. I got so angry with myself once over this that I almost lashed out at another friend when he tried to engage in a small talk with me. Neither was I excited when we had to do a group assignment for Corporate Law. It’s a consolation if it’s in lieu of a final exam, but it is what it is. I was thankfully in a team with familiar faces, which made our lives easier because we were familiar with each other’s work ethics. I was rather annoyed when unexpected things cropped up - and allow me to say that it involved blood, sweat, and tears. I honestly hadn’t expected things to roll this way and, as I’ve referenced in one of my posts, it might’ve been the work of a divine arrangement.

It took me until the end of August and one missed tutorial before I was able to properly manage my time and learn to breathe. I kept giving myself a pep talk that it was just the beginning. My workling life would be worse than this and it was better for an early exposure, rather than being thrown into it without any warning.

September

Seeing that I had purchased the birthday presents a couple of months in advance, I figured that it was better to pass it to the good friend earlier than on the actual day. At least I’m assured that I don’t have to wait until after the actual day - because that will ruin the surprise. As we both rushed on our respective assignments, we caught up for a while and promised that we’ll hang out at a later time.

Our team and I run amok when the tutor gently chided us that we barked up the wrong tree for our assignment. I honestly don’t know how we managed to do it, but we were able to come up with a backup plan in that two-hour period and nailed everything in the span of over the weekend. The arrangement left one of the mates with a heavier workload as it correlated with his original topic. Although he didn’t say anything about it, we saw the horror and resignation in his eyes. Me being me, I offered to help out on half of the assignment. I’ve no idea how my teammates coped, but I spent so many late nights refining my section that I had to peel myself away from it and take a breath.To cut a long story, I’m relieved that we survived the sudden dose of stress and lots of fine-tuning.

The remaining weeks of spring break weren’t smooth-sailing either. Since Corporate Law’s assignment was done and dusted, it was time for me to focus on the ones in ADR. A presentation and a final research essay. I’d like to think I was alright, but, in actual fact, it almost sent my anxiety level through the roof. I was so worried that I couldn’t do up to my standards and on time.

October

I almost lost my jaw when I read the course outlines and noticed that the rest of the assignments were due at around the same time. It was manageable with careful time management, but I wasn’t pleased either. I don’t like to hand up everything at the last minute. I like something that is transitional… like a build up to the final assignment. I don’t know what would’ve happened if the lecturer didn’t extend the deadline for one of the assignments, though.

The presentation that we had for ADR was alright. I can’t say that it was a success because we suffered a couple of minor hiccups along the way. We had our separate assignments to tackle concurrently, which actually divided my head into three different places. I felt that I let my team down in the way that I coordinated everything. I’m sure a better leader would’ve foreseen what was to come and prevented it before it occurred, but I guess it was what it was. For reasons that I won’t publicly reveal, I offered to swap with another teammate to play the role of a pregnant employee. Yes, you read that right. A pregnant employee. I didn’t sacrifice my reputation per se because I don’t know that many law students, which is a good thing in itself, plus it’s not very often that I’m able to delve into a little bit of acting. I know that something was wrong when I couldn’t address the audience until after the presentation was over. Seeing that the lecturer and audience didn’t dislike it, I guess it was alright in the end. I’m sure that with more practice and time, we’d have been able to refine our roles further and smoothen it to perfection. Maybe I’d have asked someone to record it without inciting the lecturer’s suspicion.

Time has flown faster than I expected, much to my benefit and fear. It meant that in three months or so, it’d be my final year and the prospect of entering the workplace wasn’t pleasing. But that is not to say that I want to be a student for life. It’s just impossible. There will be a day in time when I’ve to be financially independent and responsible. Things took a sharp turn towards the end of the semester, which caught me wondering whether I drove past the warning signs and crash-landed. I mean, I knew that the aura was different, but I chose to ignore it temporarily because I knew that I would not like the answer, should it be revealed.

Have I mentioned above that I had weird dreams about visiting someone in a clinic and furniture shopping? As I later learned, both carry its own meaning, but I didn’t spend the time recording the contents of the dream to interpret the subconscious messages that my brain wanted to send over.

November

I would still like to think that having a paper early in the examination period would allow me more time off, but as this semester has illustrated, it might not work in my favor all the time. The panic about the paper coupled with the inability to sleep the night before sent the stress straight into the deepest pit of my brain. I remembered that I groaned when I first looked at the exam schedule: the research essay was due first, followed by the submission of the take-home assignment, and the Corporate exam almost immediately.

No wonder my sister described the journey as the highway to hell.

To be honest, multitasking the exam revision with the take-home assignment should have been manageable, seeing that I had the experience in college. Yet, it wasn’t to be. I’d like to think that someone momentarily possessed my brain during the exam because I lost concentration, but it’s most likely due to negligence and exhaustion.

A sign that I’m slowly throwing in the towel? Maybe. Maybe not. I’m not even sure myself.

Since the coast was unofficially clear for me, I decided to hide myself in the residence and only emerge from my hiding hole for necessary matters, such as grocery shopping and the like. It was a much-needed respite for me because I needed to give the heart and brain a break. Catching up with the usual bunch would have been alright, but seeing that we each have our own things to deal with, I figured that it was better this way. It was better to leave everyone be and meet up when we were feeling more refreshed and relaxed.

December

Although the academic results were released a day or two earlier than the projected date, it took me a while to have a look at it. You could say that I wasn’t confident enough, but the truth is that I knew everything would be revealed once I participated in the exam viewing. I chickened out at the eleventh hour and relied on the grades released on the portal instead. There wasn’t any way for me to find out who the market was. But whoever the person was, s/he must’ve been kind enough to give that surprising grade. This was the subject that I feared the most, especially after the tiny mishaps.

On the other hand, I managed to publish the ebook after taking my own sweet time and multiple plot changes. The original plot focused on the campus grounds of Taylor’s Lakeside with four students - three domestic students, one international student on exchange. Each of them were confused little brats in their own right and struggled to overcome their individual hardships in the chaotic world of university. The refined version involved me skimming a lot from the original draft and focusing on a different plot, so there you go.

Saturday, December 30, 2017

12/30/2017

I dreamt of a place that looked like a nearby pet cafe or a groomer’s, but there were lots of people and their dogs hanging out with their peers. I followed the sound of dogs happily barking and arrived at my final destination. There was a large area cordoned off to other humans to ensure that the dogs were allowed to play with each other in peace. Someone - a brunette who wore her hair in a ponytail - sat towards the corner and kept a watchful eye on them, ready to break up any fight that might ensue between the furkids. I observed as she returned her attention to my dog and gave him her love. My dog saw me standing there and refused to acknowledge me. I figured that it’ll be better if I leave him there since he loved the place too much.

In another scene, the three friends were together. It was getting late, so I went to grab something from the upstairs of my friend’s florist shop. I stumbled upon the crime scene of a gruesome murder. There were two bodies: one female and one male. The walls were stained with what looked like gushes of blood from stab wounds. I rushed down the stairs in a panicked mode and couldn’t quite explain what I saw to my friend.

That’s the problem of falling into a troubled sleep, I guess. I was only able to remember snippets of the dream, but it was enough for me to work with. My subconscious used the pet cafe to associate my desire to socialize with dogs and, hopefully, be comforted by their infectious friendliness. It knows that this is a foolproof method to make me happier than I currently am. Based on the online interpretation, the brunette in my dream is someone whom I highly respect and has the intuition and loyalty that I wish I have.

As for the crime scene, I’d say that something has murdered my emotions until I’m struggling to experience any positive feelings, i.e. happiness or joy. I hate the thing that has taken away my ability to experience life, hence the blood splatter.

Friday, December 29, 2017

12/29/2017

I dreamed that I was hanging out in someone’s house. It was a small unit with a beautiful design. The owner maximized the limited space with mirrors to create the illusion that it looked bigger than it actually was. An older lady - who was the owner of the house - was hanging out her laundry on the clothesline as I rushed past her. There was a fence at the back that led to another entrance of a hill. Over the entrance was a lake with a path created around it. A family of four was taking a slow stroll and admiring the scenery before them. Although I couldn’t see their faces, I knew that there were two children - a boy and a girl.

I was shopping for groceries in the evening when a male friend dragged me out of the building to the main road after I paid for my items. Behind him was an abandoned building. He confessed something, which led me to explore the place where we lived from south to north. I can’t remember what it was, but it must’ve been an urgent matter. Somewhere along our journey, we came across a crashed plane bearing the logo of the national airline. There was a burnt corpse lying right in front of the plane, which frightened me. I froze to the ground in my fear - although my friend pulled my arm, begging me to just move.

The online dream interpretation indicated that dreaming of a corpse could mean that my soul has withered to the point where I’m in a dark corner. As for the house and the hill, it could be the emotions and the subconscious making a mess out of each other at this time of the year.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Crying all alone under the stars

Note: the title post is part of the lyrics of 'Travelin' Soldier' by Dixie Chicks.

After a torturous semester, I now have updates - let’s make that two - for you guys.

#1: Now that I’m reflecting on the semester, there were some moments that I loved and disliked. The course that I wanted to enroll in was finally offered. I knew that it would be hectic, but I went for it with full confidence that it won’t get any worse than that. I mean, having three rest days to catch up on the backdated work and take a breather could have easily compensated me for the bullet train speed.

And worse, it did.

The first half of the semester drained me so much that I struggled to convince myself to attend the Corporate tutorials. The expression on his face was similar to the one that I saw in someone’s eyes before college graduation: a masked annoyance at the coincidence. I’m always able to suppress the fears or worries whenever I’m in class, but this safety blanket barely worked for Corporate. Let’s just say that my emotions and the lack of adequate diversion suddenly got in the way of the academic goals. I looked at the formative assessment with such confusion that I told myself not to hope for much for the overall grade. It was better to work for the best that I can get while expecting the unexpected.

I definitely pushed myself a little over the breaking point - until the ADR presentation took a beating. Although I survived the battle (in short, I passed everything), I didn’t emerge unscathed. My psyche feels such weighed down that I’m in need for any type of vacation that allows me a quiet environment to crash for 12 - 14+ hours. I’m also in need for some cardio exercise that will clear the congested brain in preparation for the final year’s crazy schedule.

#2: I’m sure you’d have seen snippets of it splashed on the blog and Twitter account, but let’s make this the official announcement, shall we? What took me 5 - 6 years of writing and two plot changes has finally arrived to this. What saw me swimming in memories and left me with an aching heart has also finally arrived to this.

Remember how I mentioned in a couple of posts ago that I’m tying up the loose ends for my e-book? Here’s the link: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/760802 . Some elements of my time in college has been woven into certain parts of the plot, but in a fictional way. The plot involves a slight twinge of heartbreak, a dash of betrayal, and a splash of the unexpected.

I’m not going to reveal anything more than that, so if you’d like to read more (i.e. the blurb, short summary and a sample of the manuscript) or purchase the e-book in its entirety, head on over to the link - and let me know what you think about it.

Depending on how things go, I might continue moonlighting as a writer.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

11/29/2017

I’m sure the dream had an introduction to it, but I can’t, for the life of me, remember what it was about. What I can remember is that the dream began from the middle onwards.

I dreamt that we toured a place in the middle of the city. While my mother was in another part doing her own thing, I was on the first floor of a shop, browsing through the merchandises that they offered. It was divided into two smaller spaces with a wooden fence. The wooden fences were behind low two-tier shelves. While shoppers and employees could talk with each other over the fence, we had to use the main entrance if we wanted to go from space to space - or at least that was what one of the shop assistants mentioned to me when I inquired about the presence of the wooden fences. The camera then panned to the corner, where there was boxes arranged in a neat line, before I saw the traces of an escalator bringing the shoppers from ground floor to the first floor.

Somewhere along the way, I met an adult who had a toddler son sleeping in the back and a baby daughter in the car seat at the front. He offered me a ride and since it was someone whom I knew well, I decided to take up on his offer. He removed the car seat and I ended up carrying the infant in my arms. The infant slept peacefully and didn’t break into a screaming match. When my phone finally connected to his hotspot, the notification exploded in my face, but my attention was scaled in on the WhatsApp messages from my Mom. As the place where she was became a crime scene, she told me to meet her at the McD near there.

When we arrived there, she was talking to a female stranger before she climbed up the 4WD that the adult drove. She asked me to look at the infant child’s legs. One of the legs were swollen and red - as if the poor child suffered from water retention - but there were no traces of blood. She said to drive us to somewhere safe and she’d reveal the reason behind her questions and what had truly transpired there and then.

Well… I sense an ongoing theme here: someone else is behind the wheel with me being in the shotgun seat without any indication of the driver’s facial features. Although I can see from the outline that it is a male, that’s as many hints as I can get. The wooden fences. Fences should symbolise a barrier to something. You know, like dividing the main roads and pedestrian walkways. Garden plots. Applying to the context of the scene, maybe it’s the intention/warning not to let people any closer than they should be. Have intellectual conversations, but never allowing anyone to see the inner depths of my heart. Or was it influenced by that book’s protagonist? As for the boxes, it might be the fact that I am boxing up my emotions and thoughts for the fear of revealing too much about myself.

I’ll admit that the sleeping toddler son in the dream was so adorable - to the point where if it were to occur in real life, I’d have to stop myself from pinching the kiddo’s cheeks. This scene reminds me of something that happened when I was about 5. The context is fuzzy in my brain; I only remember that my godfather had fetched us from some place in Chinatown and my godbrother was asleep on the front passenger seat, which was reclined to 75% of its maximum. I don’t bond very well with infants in real life. In fact, I make sure that I keep an arm’s distance from them, especially whenever they are crying their hearts out. For me to be willing to carry an infant throughout the car journey, who still remained quiet in my arms, it has to mean something significant. This definitely stretches things, but I’m guessing that as I’m growing older, I’ll learn to tune out their cries? Or my thoughts towards children will change after I’m married? *holds head in hands*

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

This is all of me

"The closer you keep what’s in your head, to what’s in your heart. The better your life will be."
-William Chapman

I know that something in me must’ve changed in the past twelve weeks, but inasmuch as I’d love to pinpoint the exact reasons for it, I’m unable to. All I’m aware is that I’ve been rather harsh towards myself and withdrawing from the things that I once loved instead. I mean, look at the semesters for a comparison. In the last semester, it was a manageable time although I had a jam-packed schedule that left me wanting to pull my hair in displeasure. For this semester, I’ve been sitting at the edge of the cliff, more than ready to let myself go at any minute. My face was a canvas for the negative emotions that I felt (talk about wearing your heart on your sleeve, ugh). It numbed my feelings with such ferocity that I was in a daze for 75% of the time. If I felt something, it was only relief and worry. My confidence slipped through the cracks between my fingers and I had doubts about my choice of degree and career path.

There were a couple of occasions when I didn’t feel like attending my tutorials/lectures and wanted to hide under the blanket instead. The truth is, I’m not sure if I can hold it out any longer. My heart already feels weighed down by the emotional burdens that I’ll never share with friends and my shaky academic performance. It also feels like I won’t be able to achieve my full potential, especially after what happened during the Corporate exam. I’m sure the folks at the back of the hall would’ve heard the loud thud in the silent area. Although no one paid any attention to it, my heart raced with embarrassment.

You might argue that me dropping my notes was an accident and I shouldn’t blame myself for it. I could’ve prevented it from occurring, you see, by maybe leaving it on the chair next to me. For unknown reasons, I lost concentration for the next hour or so while I struggled to find my mojo and didn’t even know what I wrote for the directors’ duties question about the interstate mining venture. In hindsight, I actually knew what it hinted at when I read it, but I just couldn’t get it out onto the exam booklet.

Maybe it’s a sign that I’m losing control of things - or merely unable to cope with the stress on a sleep-deprived mode after the whirlwind dates with research essays. I hope it’s the latter. Things aren’t rosy if it’s the first one… because it’s sending me straight into the path of a burnout.

Since I’m done with the exams, I know that I should take the time off now to clear my congested psyche somewhere out of town (or even out of the country), but I can’t travel in peace until the results are released. Thinking about it has left me with sleepless nights and an onset of headache. I know I shouldn’t worry as I’ve done my best, but I know I could’ve done better and the waiting game is killing me. I also don’t like the idea of air travels. My yearly flights are done out of necessity, not by choice. I can’t travel in peace without knowing my official results either.

I don’t know why I keep getting flashbacks of a certain someone. Two of the events have always stood out in my mind: 1) him flipping through my floral folder that contained the English assignment sheets before our mentor-mentee meeting, as if I had granted him an advance consent and; 2) him perching against the wall in a daze with raw, rimmed eyes. He looked so … broken, like someone threw him into a hole and he couldn’t find any reason or strength to come out of it.

I’m sure there is a reason to it. I just have to dig deeper into the subconscious to find out what it is. Maybe it’s a warning to be cautious and observant of my environment, seeing that I still can’t blend in after three years. I discovered the truth last semester and it has nothing to do with the life here. If it is, I’ll be losing more weight and scaring the lights out of everyone around me. For all I know, I’m torn between returning to good ole Subang or remaining in Adelaide. Both decisions have its pros and cons: heading back will afford me the comfort and familiarity that I now crave, but at the expense of losing friends and reverse culture shock. Staying back will give me a shot at a new life, but at the expense of starting afresh - for the second time.

We’ll see which one I’ll choose when the time comes.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

11/25/2017

The camera panned to the end of the first scene in my dream. A wrapped wine bottle rolled on the floor and before we could do anything, it slipped through the hole on the balcony. I hope it didn’t cause any damage to the building or to the occupants on the lower floors (well, maybe except spillage and broken glass).

In the second scene, my younger brother was bullied and kept mum about it. It took me a while to pry the details from him and I instantly knew who was behind the bullying. Relying on my knowledge of the person, I found her and her friend in the toilet, adjusting their makeup. As I confronted her, I could see, from the side of her face, that she was giving me an evil grin.

Anger overcame me and I pinned the girl to the wall with my forearm at her throat. She still didn’t budge; it was only when I threatened to do the same with her brother, who I’d be able to stalk, that her eyes widened with horror and pleas for mercy.

All along, a name kept surfacing in my mind: Thomas.

First of all, let me reiterate the fact that I don’t believe in violence whenever I confront anyone. I just find that it will make things worse than it already is. As for the dream, I saw the girl’s facial features, but I couldn’t place her to anyone whom I know in real life. I might have seen her on the streets, but who know? She’s just a stranger. Although the dream interpretation suggested that there is a desire of change and frustration with them, I can’t quite connect the dots on this one.

Why that particular name, I’m not sure. It’s not like I’m close with anyone who has been christened Thomas.

In the third scene, we were in a room that resembled a classroom attending a presentation. There was a blackboard at the front with two columns and a line of three chairs and tables on each row. After what seemed like an eventful night that involved someone leaving deep in the night to avoid being caught, I struggled to stay awake as I knelt on my knees to talk to another friend seated behind me. A male student resembling Hong Kong actor Tony Leung Chiu Wai entered at the eleventh hour and, noticing that there was no more vacant seat, ends up taking the one next to me. I shoved my knapsack under the table, careful not to whack my fellow seat companion to my right with it.

It is pretty evident that I’m worried. As results day inch closer and closer by the day, I’m more and more nervous with the grades. This falls in nicely with the dream interpretation. The subconscious might be trying to settle the academic anxiety, judging from the place where I sat, unlike the folks who sat away from the front.

As for the celebrity doppelganger, the interpretation is simple: I might be inspired by the Hong Kong actor’s attributes.

Friday, November 24, 2017

11/24/2017

And so, I dreamt that we travelled on a familiar yet quiet highway that was surrounded by trees after a trip into the suburbs. Not too long into the journey, we stumbled upon a crossroads with two exits. One was up a ramp. The other was down a ramp. Both led to somewhere away from the highway, but it’s a place I didn’t know. Since we weren’t sure which exit we wanted, we stopped in the middle of the road and discussed about it.

The ramps. At the top of my head, the dream might be insinuating that I have to make a decision from two options - both with consequences that I wouldn’t like because there won’t be relief. There will be a sense of something missing. Maybe the reason why I’m at a crossroads in my decision making is related to the driver. Seeing that the identity was not revealed, I’ll presume that it is a guy. Whatever I decide in the end, it will probably affect him - in some way or another. This definitely points to a specific matter in my life. If you’ve read one of the previous posts, where I talked about being torn in two directions, you’d know why.

The camera panned to something that happened hours earlier, before the sun went to bed. I spoke to a female assistant manning a counter. I don’t remember why I was there or her position, but all I remembered was that she had lost two teeth on her bottom palette. Although it was only evident when she grinned, it still scared the lights out of me. The loss of her teeth didn’t seem to affect her charisma or confidence. It was like she didn’t give a care in the world about it.

Just a random scene that my subconscious inserted to make things interesting? Maybe. Maybe she has something that I need in real life: confidence. Again, I may have indicated my worry about the confidence slipping through the cracks of my fingers in one of the previous posts.

If it’s a sign that I should beat the obstacles until it turns blue in the face, it’s spelling trouble for me. I’m already tired of taking the bull by its horns - when almost everything is piled against me.


Wednesday, November 15, 2017

11/15/2017

I dreamt that there was a small circuit fire in the house that threatened to engulf the entire structure at any minute. I panicked and didn’t know what to do.

The scene repeated itself with me reacting differently to it. Surprising myself, I didn’t panic and instead asked the fellow occupant to gather all or most of their important belongings before we collapsed from smoke inhalation. After I called the emergency hotline for the fire brigade, I rushed to my room and shoved my wallet, my passport, and a couple of full water bottles into my tote bag.

As I looked back at the scene behind us, the firefighters battled to contain the fire and prevent it from spreading to our neighbors.

In the second scene, when things were much better, we scouted the area for food. We found ourselves in a bright yet quiet hawker centre selling Chinese food. The moment I entered the place, it felt like I have visited it before in real life.

There are a couple of ways that I can look at the dream - with the help of the online interpretations, that is. Let’s use the part where I saw the fire first. One suggestion is that I might be battling intense emotions over something that I can’t ignore any more - or rather, I’m nose-deep in stress that my subconscious is pleading for me to take the time off.

Maybe the intense emotions part is skating the surface of my perception about things that have occurred around me. It might also mean that I’m no longer able to avoid a particular person and should take the bull by its horns, resolving the low-level conflict once and for all. As I have mentioned in a handful of posts, this semester has been challenging emotionally and physically. I’ve suppressed my thoughts and emotions in the hopes that I’ll be able to focus on what is ahead of me, but it hasn’t worked in my favor at all times.

Maybe I’ve pushed myself so hard that it’s tearing my mind into pieces.

On the contrary, me seeing the firefighter adds a divergent twist to the interpretation. It is indicative of me cleansing and purifying myself. My subconscious might be asking me to rid myself of the earthly burdens and focus on myself. It doesn’t want to be weighed down with exhaustion anymore.

I initially thought the scene was a result of my craving for Chinese food, especially char siew fan and wan tan mee. I guess I’ve been proven wrong by the context of the scene. Since the food came in a soup, I can only assume that it is wan tan mee. The online interpretation suggested that I have a ‘deep desire to understand a different point of view.’ I’m not sure how to relate to this - unless it’s pointing me to consider a past situation. I’ll keep the identity confidential, but truth be told, I still don’t know what led the person to arrive at the decisions that he did. Maybe the dream is reminding me to look at the situation from his eye and understand the reasons behind his choices and eventual departure.
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